I finished your painting last night. It's one of those things that would never be done if I didn't just stop painting...so I stopped. I'm not sure if you'll like it or not. It's very rough, but it's supposed to be like that...something that catches your eye but then let's you go without too much trauma. Even so, I've posted it to your parents' house because I've not wanted to have your new address yet, and I didn't want it to sit on your stoop while you were in Coventry anyway. Also, it needs a frame, but I wasn't sure if you'd want it in a black frame or something else.
Today, I'm doing two story times for a preschool. The first is already over, and it went really well. I hope the afternoon group is as well behaved and fun. I'm surrounded by bits and pieces of paperwork, but just can't be bothered right now. Now that your painting is done, I'm thinking what I'd like to do next. I may work on some pieces for the children's area this weekend...now that my paints are warmed up and ready to go. You should probably know that I'd not painted for nearly a year before we began talking again. It's one of those things, when I'm dried up inside...whether spiritually or emotionally, I can't do much of anything. I don't know if it was because of school or just the cares of this world, but my spirit was parched. God brought you back around just in time...not for you necessarily (maybe), but for me.
That brings to mind something that I'd been thinking about. It's one of those things you never want to say aloud because you never know how it will be received - even if it's delivered in a purely innocent and straightforward way. I was thinking that for all the of the men in my life - no matter the state of my relationship with them right now - they've each provided me with something that defines me as a person now...gifts that God gave to me through them.
The first - Even though we were children, the first taught me a sense of adventure and daring and gave me the sense that nothing was out of reach. He also helped me discover my love for distorted guitar, power chords, and cable television. Maybe you wouldn't think those are significant things...those last few...but to me - at least the strings...they are, as you know, my drug of choice. Some people use alcohol to lose themselves. I use the music.
The second : the spouse - So many things. A sense of the normal of life; an appreciation for the mundane; the art of the gift; the joy of the sporting event; and, a home. My home. They don't seem like much unless you've been without them at any point. Then their significance is all too apparent.
The third - He gave me my paint. He helped me find not just the sorrow and the understanding in the music, but also the joy. He was different from anyone I'd ever met. He gave me the sense that I was worth the pursuit.
You - You woke me up. Like the second, the list is so long... You never flattered me. You met me on equal footing and questioned my assumptions. You made me appreciate the foundation as much as the fittings. You taught me about steadfastness and even the virtue of the sometimes obstinate. You've taught me about boldness and humility...and how they can coexist. You've taught me about accountability, but also about "jumping off the cliff." It was through you that my heart has grown so that it doesn't really fit inside me anymore.
Now, lest you think that I lay all of these things at the feet of the individuals through which they came...you know better. I know who gives every good thing, and it's not a person. Even so, I can't do less than appreciate and be grateful for those individuals through which God chose to bless me....to a greater or lesser degree.
You have blessed me to the greater degree.
Today, I don't miss you with an anguish. It's more like an ache...but not a bad one. Maybe it's because it's Friday...or maybe it's because of being tired...or maybe - hopefully - it's because God's actively working to fix whatever has been so broken in me. Today, I'm appreciating the distance even though it means that, obviously, you're far away (in so many ways, though perhaps not in spirit).
I'm still not sure exactly what I want, but I'm beginning to wonder if we ever really know those things definitively. There is one phrase that sticks out, however, and I had to look it up. This is something that I want...
Proverbs 18:24 - "A man with too many friends comes to ruin (literally.."broken to pieces"), but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother."
When you asked what I want...that's it. A friend who sticks closer than a brother.
Well, I think that's all I'll have for today. I'm very excited and nervous about what you'll think of the painting. Anyway, I'll have students soon... I hope you're well.
