You're not the person I want. In fact, I have the person I want. He's not the ideal, but it would seem the ideal doesn't exist. He is, however, the closest I've found. The closest I find each and every day.
I thought because you and I share a love of Christ, we shared a brain. I thought we agreed on some pretty fundamental things. I thought you were stronger than me. I thought a lot of things. The truth is, you're just a man - as flawed as you ever were - rushing into decisions based on what you want, but wrapped in piety. You're the person that demands respect for your values and beliefs, but then is the first to trample them into the mud.
I thought that if we had a chance to meet again in person, I'd be overcome....overwhelmed...overwrought. I know now that that isn't the case. You are a diversion from the insanity of a life that is already full to the brim with every good thing and good anxiety.
I don't like the person you are becoming....again.
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Wednesday - 3/7/2012
I didn't write yesterday. I thought about it, but the day was so bad it would have consisted of very little other than expletives and whining. As I sit here, I hear the generator on the plumber's van running as he uses a camera to figure out why all the toilets backed up forcing us to close early...again.
Even so....onward.
It's been a strange week - wondering if you'll care when I'm ready to come back - wondering what will be different in you and in me - wondering what's going to be lost and gained by all of this. I can already feel that it's been good in some ways, but I'm afraid (?) of the price.
I hope you're well. I am....but just very, very tired. I think that I'm going to have spend some time re-evaluating how I react to the little crises of life. Right now, I take them all to heart. Not sure my heart can handle that for much longer.
Even so....onward.
It's been a strange week - wondering if you'll care when I'm ready to come back - wondering what will be different in you and in me - wondering what's going to be lost and gained by all of this. I can already feel that it's been good in some ways, but I'm afraid (?) of the price.
I hope you're well. I am....but just very, very tired. I think that I'm going to have spend some time re-evaluating how I react to the little crises of life. Right now, I take them all to heart. Not sure my heart can handle that for much longer.
Monday, March 5, 2012
Monday 3/5/2012
Mondays....
On the plus side, I seem to be a bit ahead of the curve this month, having paid all of the bills, run all of the reports (or nearly) and prepared most of my librarian's report. I hope by the time Wednesday rolls around there will be some real, noticeable and worthwhile changes for the board to ooh and ahh over. We shall see. Just got some good news about the collections from one of my pages. I'm excited to see his progress.
I hope your classes are going well. I suspect they're probably boring at this point, but how exciting that you're nearly done!
On the plus side, I seem to be a bit ahead of the curve this month, having paid all of the bills, run all of the reports (or nearly) and prepared most of my librarian's report. I hope by the time Wednesday rolls around there will be some real, noticeable and worthwhile changes for the board to ooh and ahh over. We shall see. Just got some good news about the collections from one of my pages. I'm excited to see his progress.
I hope your classes are going well. I suspect they're probably boring at this point, but how exciting that you're nearly done!
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Sunday 3/4/2012
Well, apparently this is the point in my addict rehabilitation where I have vivid and disturbing dreams about just about everything. Today, during what's become my ritual Sunday afternoon nap, I had more. The content is not worth mentioning, but as I woke up I realized one reason that I'm so grateful for you. You talk me down off the ledge even if you don't realize it. As you know, when faced with the mundane or the crazy, I most generally opt for the crazy. If there's something kind to say or something cutting to say, I'm more likely to start wielding the knife. That's what the dreams were all about - me burning bridges and just basically screaming...whether literally or internally. Almost needless to say, it wasn't a restful nap.
I also realized that this is the first Sunday in awhile when I haven't complained to you about needing to get my weekly library article done. Oh, no worries. I'm still procrastinating as usual, but I'll spare you the details at least for a few more weeks.
So, there are a few things that I want to tell you...nothing particularly earth-shattering...but nonetheless.
First, as you might have gathered (I might have said) or you might have seen in the Lent Challenge, I have been listening to the Word series from Passion City Church. It's a week-by-week, chapter-by-chapter, exploration into the book of John - a great study in the life and ministry of Jesus. It's pretty difficult to say how much I've learned...though I know I've missed things and when I get done with the downloadables, I'll be going back and doing my own study. I'm not sure if it will take me through the end of Lent...through the end of Passion Week...or maybe even through Pentecost. I guess we'll see. One thing that has struck me, however, is Jesus as a man. Yes, he is God...and all that goes along with that...sinless, holy, etc. etc. But he also lived as a real human being with all of the struggle that we face as humans. I know, to say it...it's like "duh." But to have it hit your heart and burrow its way in. Jesus was just like us. Jesus came just like us so that he could minister to and draw us. Such an amazing heart realization.
Second...I miss you. It's not in any way I can explain anymore. I'd even thought about ending the self-imposed exile, but now it seems is not the time. I hope I'll recognize the exact moment when it IS time, because I'm ready for it to be over....already. It seems like it's been another year......two.....ten. I'd ask your mom how you are.....but even that doesn't seem right. So, I've just been praying for you. Just. nice word. I've been praying that God'll give you wisdom and protect your heart and mind. I've also been praying that you'll be encouraged. I know that that's often been one of my roles, and I don't want to be replaced. My wants, however, have become incidental (to me, at the very least). I've also prayed that God would ignite a fire of purpose in you and give you real, fundamental, nourishing joy. I've prayed that you'd be healed from the inside out from those wounds that you don't even know are there...the old ones...the ones that were never dealt with properly.
Third....I've begun the first steps in a new painting. It will be different....much calmer....much more similar to a different style that I like to mess with. It's not particularly great, but it's fun and relaxing...and your painting was fun...but not relaxing at all. Some are like that. My quilt was not relaxing either, even though the process was. I think it has to do with the subject matter. Some subjects have volatile emotions necessarily tied up in them...and they need it to be relevant in any way. That volatility tends to transfer, however, and it becomes necessary to retreat into something a little more bland.
Well, that's it for the time being. I hope you're well.
I also realized that this is the first Sunday in awhile when I haven't complained to you about needing to get my weekly library article done. Oh, no worries. I'm still procrastinating as usual, but I'll spare you the details at least for a few more weeks.
So, there are a few things that I want to tell you...nothing particularly earth-shattering...but nonetheless.
First, as you might have gathered (I might have said) or you might have seen in the Lent Challenge, I have been listening to the Word series from Passion City Church. It's a week-by-week, chapter-by-chapter, exploration into the book of John - a great study in the life and ministry of Jesus. It's pretty difficult to say how much I've learned...though I know I've missed things and when I get done with the downloadables, I'll be going back and doing my own study. I'm not sure if it will take me through the end of Lent...through the end of Passion Week...or maybe even through Pentecost. I guess we'll see. One thing that has struck me, however, is Jesus as a man. Yes, he is God...and all that goes along with that...sinless, holy, etc. etc. But he also lived as a real human being with all of the struggle that we face as humans. I know, to say it...it's like "duh." But to have it hit your heart and burrow its way in. Jesus was just like us. Jesus came just like us so that he could minister to and draw us. Such an amazing heart realization.
Second...I miss you. It's not in any way I can explain anymore. I'd even thought about ending the self-imposed exile, but now it seems is not the time. I hope I'll recognize the exact moment when it IS time, because I'm ready for it to be over....already. It seems like it's been another year......two.....ten. I'd ask your mom how you are.....but even that doesn't seem right. So, I've just been praying for you. Just. nice word. I've been praying that God'll give you wisdom and protect your heart and mind. I've also been praying that you'll be encouraged. I know that that's often been one of my roles, and I don't want to be replaced. My wants, however, have become incidental (to me, at the very least). I've also prayed that God would ignite a fire of purpose in you and give you real, fundamental, nourishing joy. I've prayed that you'd be healed from the inside out from those wounds that you don't even know are there...the old ones...the ones that were never dealt with properly.
Third....I've begun the first steps in a new painting. It will be different....much calmer....much more similar to a different style that I like to mess with. It's not particularly great, but it's fun and relaxing...and your painting was fun...but not relaxing at all. Some are like that. My quilt was not relaxing either, even though the process was. I think it has to do with the subject matter. Some subjects have volatile emotions necessarily tied up in them...and they need it to be relevant in any way. That volatility tends to transfer, however, and it becomes necessary to retreat into something a little more bland.
Well, that's it for the time being. I hope you're well.
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Saturday, 3/3/2012
Hard to believe your birthday will be here so quickly...already on Tuesday. I wish I'd finished the painting so that it'd be there in time, but...you'll be in Coventry anyway.
I had the strangest dreams last night. They were all over the place. One was about going to a youth conference (I must have been a teenager...but I felt like me inside a teenager), and was full of all the angst of who you walk around with, and how quickly you get to sessions, what sessions you choose to go to based on who will be going with you, and where you sit. At the end, I was just looking for a piano but all of the areas where I could just play and be left alone where occupied by people practicing their violins...or their vocal ensembles. It was so frustrating and I decided that I'd just go back to my room and lock the door.
Then I dreamed that I was trying to find you frantically, but everywhere I tried to look, I couldn't access. I don't remember how that ended because it was just as I was waking up.
So, just what you wanted...my dream summary. I don't dream much right now - am generally so tired at the end of the day that I just collapse and sleep like a brick.
Today will be a test of my resolve. Everyone will be gone, but am going to meet it head on...and enjoy the relative silence. I miss you, but it seems to be less now that I'm assured that it's only a temporary reprieve.
So, I've brought home a new canvas. It's just a bit smaller, and I'm not sure what I want to put on it. Honestly, I've been thinking that I'd like to do a flowered design similar to what I did with the heron. It was fun to work with the blues and shapes and nothing real exact. I also thought about doing something with a piano. I did a jazz piece for my mom...prolly one of my favorite paintings (it was acrylic on paper...and about .75m x 1m...a nice big size). Might be nice to do a smaller musical piece. I'm not sure. Will have to do some sketches and experiment on paper because I commit to the canvas. I wish the canvas were bigger, but maybe when this one is done, I'll invest in another big one like the golfer.
I had the strangest dreams last night. They were all over the place. One was about going to a youth conference (I must have been a teenager...but I felt like me inside a teenager), and was full of all the angst of who you walk around with, and how quickly you get to sessions, what sessions you choose to go to based on who will be going with you, and where you sit. At the end, I was just looking for a piano but all of the areas where I could just play and be left alone where occupied by people practicing their violins...or their vocal ensembles. It was so frustrating and I decided that I'd just go back to my room and lock the door.
Then I dreamed that I was trying to find you frantically, but everywhere I tried to look, I couldn't access. I don't remember how that ended because it was just as I was waking up.
So, just what you wanted...my dream summary. I don't dream much right now - am generally so tired at the end of the day that I just collapse and sleep like a brick.
Today will be a test of my resolve. Everyone will be gone, but am going to meet it head on...and enjoy the relative silence. I miss you, but it seems to be less now that I'm assured that it's only a temporary reprieve.
So, I've brought home a new canvas. It's just a bit smaller, and I'm not sure what I want to put on it. Honestly, I've been thinking that I'd like to do a flowered design similar to what I did with the heron. It was fun to work with the blues and shapes and nothing real exact. I also thought about doing something with a piano. I did a jazz piece for my mom...prolly one of my favorite paintings (it was acrylic on paper...and about .75m x 1m...a nice big size). Might be nice to do a smaller musical piece. I'm not sure. Will have to do some sketches and experiment on paper because I commit to the canvas. I wish the canvas were bigger, but maybe when this one is done, I'll invest in another big one like the golfer.
Friday, March 2, 2012
Friday, March 2
I finished your painting last night. It's one of those things that would never be done if I didn't just stop painting...so I stopped. I'm not sure if you'll like it or not. It's very rough, but it's supposed to be like that...something that catches your eye but then let's you go without too much trauma. Even so, I've posted it to your parents' house because I've not wanted to have your new address yet, and I didn't want it to sit on your stoop while you were in Coventry anyway. Also, it needs a frame, but I wasn't sure if you'd want it in a black frame or something else.
Today, I'm doing two story times for a preschool. The first is already over, and it went really well. I hope the afternoon group is as well behaved and fun. I'm surrounded by bits and pieces of paperwork, but just can't be bothered right now. Now that your painting is done, I'm thinking what I'd like to do next. I may work on some pieces for the children's area this weekend...now that my paints are warmed up and ready to go. You should probably know that I'd not painted for nearly a year before we began talking again. It's one of those things, when I'm dried up inside...whether spiritually or emotionally, I can't do much of anything. I don't know if it was because of school or just the cares of this world, but my spirit was parched. God brought you back around just in time...not for you necessarily (maybe), but for me.
That brings to mind something that I'd been thinking about. It's one of those things you never want to say aloud because you never know how it will be received - even if it's delivered in a purely innocent and straightforward way. I was thinking that for all the of the men in my life - no matter the state of my relationship with them right now - they've each provided me with something that defines me as a person now...gifts that God gave to me through them.
The first - Even though we were children, the first taught me a sense of adventure and daring and gave me the sense that nothing was out of reach. He also helped me discover my love for distorted guitar, power chords, and cable television. Maybe you wouldn't think those are significant things...those last few...but to me - at least the strings...they are, as you know, my drug of choice. Some people use alcohol to lose themselves. I use the music.
The second : the spouse - So many things. A sense of the normal of life; an appreciation for the mundane; the art of the gift; the joy of the sporting event; and, a home. My home. They don't seem like much unless you've been without them at any point. Then their significance is all too apparent.
The third - He gave me my paint. He helped me find not just the sorrow and the understanding in the music, but also the joy. He was different from anyone I'd ever met. He gave me the sense that I was worth the pursuit.
You - You woke me up. Like the second, the list is so long... You never flattered me. You met me on equal footing and questioned my assumptions. You made me appreciate the foundation as much as the fittings. You taught me about steadfastness and even the virtue of the sometimes obstinate. You've taught me about boldness and humility...and how they can coexist. You've taught me about accountability, but also about "jumping off the cliff." It was through you that my heart has grown so that it doesn't really fit inside me anymore.
Now, lest you think that I lay all of these things at the feet of the individuals through which they came...you know better. I know who gives every good thing, and it's not a person. Even so, I can't do less than appreciate and be grateful for those individuals through which God chose to bless me....to a greater or lesser degree.
You have blessed me to the greater degree.
Today, I don't miss you with an anguish. It's more like an ache...but not a bad one. Maybe it's because it's Friday...or maybe it's because of being tired...or maybe - hopefully - it's because God's actively working to fix whatever has been so broken in me. Today, I'm appreciating the distance even though it means that, obviously, you're far away (in so many ways, though perhaps not in spirit).
I'm still not sure exactly what I want, but I'm beginning to wonder if we ever really know those things definitively. There is one phrase that sticks out, however, and I had to look it up. This is something that I want...
Proverbs 18:24 - "A man with too many friends comes to ruin (literally.."broken to pieces"), but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother."
When you asked what I want...that's it. A friend who sticks closer than a brother.
Well, I think that's all I'll have for today. I'm very excited and nervous about what you'll think of the painting. Anyway, I'll have students soon... I hope you're well.
Today, I'm doing two story times for a preschool. The first is already over, and it went really well. I hope the afternoon group is as well behaved and fun. I'm surrounded by bits and pieces of paperwork, but just can't be bothered right now. Now that your painting is done, I'm thinking what I'd like to do next. I may work on some pieces for the children's area this weekend...now that my paints are warmed up and ready to go. You should probably know that I'd not painted for nearly a year before we began talking again. It's one of those things, when I'm dried up inside...whether spiritually or emotionally, I can't do much of anything. I don't know if it was because of school or just the cares of this world, but my spirit was parched. God brought you back around just in time...not for you necessarily (maybe), but for me.
That brings to mind something that I'd been thinking about. It's one of those things you never want to say aloud because you never know how it will be received - even if it's delivered in a purely innocent and straightforward way. I was thinking that for all the of the men in my life - no matter the state of my relationship with them right now - they've each provided me with something that defines me as a person now...gifts that God gave to me through them.
The first - Even though we were children, the first taught me a sense of adventure and daring and gave me the sense that nothing was out of reach. He also helped me discover my love for distorted guitar, power chords, and cable television. Maybe you wouldn't think those are significant things...those last few...but to me - at least the strings...they are, as you know, my drug of choice. Some people use alcohol to lose themselves. I use the music.
The second : the spouse - So many things. A sense of the normal of life; an appreciation for the mundane; the art of the gift; the joy of the sporting event; and, a home. My home. They don't seem like much unless you've been without them at any point. Then their significance is all too apparent.
The third - He gave me my paint. He helped me find not just the sorrow and the understanding in the music, but also the joy. He was different from anyone I'd ever met. He gave me the sense that I was worth the pursuit.
You - You woke me up. Like the second, the list is so long... You never flattered me. You met me on equal footing and questioned my assumptions. You made me appreciate the foundation as much as the fittings. You taught me about steadfastness and even the virtue of the sometimes obstinate. You've taught me about boldness and humility...and how they can coexist. You've taught me about accountability, but also about "jumping off the cliff." It was through you that my heart has grown so that it doesn't really fit inside me anymore.
Now, lest you think that I lay all of these things at the feet of the individuals through which they came...you know better. I know who gives every good thing, and it's not a person. Even so, I can't do less than appreciate and be grateful for those individuals through which God chose to bless me....to a greater or lesser degree.
You have blessed me to the greater degree.
Today, I don't miss you with an anguish. It's more like an ache...but not a bad one. Maybe it's because it's Friday...or maybe it's because of being tired...or maybe - hopefully - it's because God's actively working to fix whatever has been so broken in me. Today, I'm appreciating the distance even though it means that, obviously, you're far away (in so many ways, though perhaps not in spirit).
I'm still not sure exactly what I want, but I'm beginning to wonder if we ever really know those things definitively. There is one phrase that sticks out, however, and I had to look it up. This is something that I want...
Proverbs 18:24 - "A man with too many friends comes to ruin (literally.."broken to pieces"), but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother."
When you asked what I want...that's it. A friend who sticks closer than a brother.
Well, I think that's all I'll have for today. I'm very excited and nervous about what you'll think of the painting. Anyway, I'll have students soon... I hope you're well.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
3/1/2012 Just a short one
~ 6:00 p.m. EST - 11:00 p.m. GST
To the other,
I was thinking about what I'd like to put here. By the time I'd driven home and had a very therapeutic bowl of chocolate ice cream, I'd forgotten. It's been such a long day with a multitude of patrons that emerged from the pit and some great moments, too. This was my first time doing all of the monthly and quarterly payroll reporting and it took a long time and a lot of energy. Now, I'm pretty shattered. I hope you're well.
To the other,
I was thinking about what I'd like to put here. By the time I'd driven home and had a very therapeutic bowl of chocolate ice cream, I'd forgotten. It's been such a long day with a multitude of patrons that emerged from the pit and some great moments, too. This was my first time doing all of the monthly and quarterly payroll reporting and it took a long time and a lot of energy. Now, I'm pretty shattered. I hope you're well.
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