Well, apparently this is the point in my addict rehabilitation where I have vivid and disturbing dreams about just about everything. Today, during what's become my ritual Sunday afternoon nap, I had more. The content is not worth mentioning, but as I woke up I realized one reason that I'm so grateful for you. You talk me down off the ledge even if you don't realize it. As you know, when faced with the mundane or the crazy, I most generally opt for the crazy. If there's something kind to say or something cutting to say, I'm more likely to start wielding the knife. That's what the dreams were all about - me burning bridges and just basically screaming...whether literally or internally. Almost needless to say, it wasn't a restful nap.
I also realized that this is the first Sunday in awhile when I haven't complained to you about needing to get my weekly library article done. Oh, no worries. I'm still procrastinating as usual, but I'll spare you the details at least for a few more weeks.
So, there are a few things that I want to tell you...nothing particularly earth-shattering...but nonetheless.
First, as you might have gathered (I might have said) or you might have seen in the Lent Challenge, I have been listening to the Word series from Passion City Church. It's a week-by-week, chapter-by-chapter, exploration into the book of John - a great study in the life and ministry of Jesus. It's pretty difficult to say how much I've learned...though I know I've missed things and when I get done with the downloadables, I'll be going back and doing my own study. I'm not sure if it will take me through the end of Lent...through the end of Passion Week...or maybe even through Pentecost. I guess we'll see. One thing that has struck me, however, is Jesus as a man. Yes, he is God...and all that goes along with that...sinless, holy, etc. etc. But he also lived as a real human being with all of the struggle that we face as humans. I know, to say it...it's like "duh." But to have it hit your heart and burrow its way in. Jesus was just like us. Jesus came just like us so that he could minister to and draw us. Such an amazing heart realization.
Second...I miss you. It's not in any way I can explain anymore. I'd even thought about ending the self-imposed exile, but now it seems is not the time. I hope I'll recognize the exact moment when it IS time, because I'm ready for it to be over....already. It seems like it's been another year......two.....ten. I'd ask your mom how you are.....but even that doesn't seem right. So, I've just been praying for you. Just. nice word. I've been praying that God'll give you wisdom and protect your heart and mind. I've also been praying that you'll be encouraged. I know that that's often been one of my roles, and I don't want to be replaced. My wants, however, have become incidental (to me, at the very least). I've also prayed that God would ignite a fire of purpose in you and give you real, fundamental, nourishing joy. I've prayed that you'd be healed from the inside out from those wounds that you don't even know are there...the old ones...the ones that were never dealt with properly.
Third....I've begun the first steps in a new painting. It will be different....much calmer....much more similar to a different style that I like to mess with. It's not particularly great, but it's fun and relaxing...and your painting was fun...but not relaxing at all. Some are like that. My quilt was not relaxing either, even though the process was. I think it has to do with the subject matter. Some subjects have volatile emotions necessarily tied up in them...and they need it to be relevant in any way. That volatility tends to transfer, however, and it becomes necessary to retreat into something a little more bland.
Well, that's it for the time being. I hope you're well.
